It’s a funny thing, how people say things they don’t mean to fill up the silence. Something like “I see” when we don’t understand, or “lol” when we’re at a lost as to what to say, or even “it will be fine” when we ran out of ways to comfort someone. And then the conversation typically lapses and ends because no one says anything to follow up.

Along the same line, I never understand why people always feel like they have to fill in the silence. I love silence, and would love to claim to be comfortable with silence, but honestly, I find it awkward sometimes. Yet when I’m on the other end, I do wish that other people would just be quiet and not respond, especially if nothing relevant, useful or true is going to be said.

I’d readily admit that I’m guilty of doing the exact things that rile me up when others do them to me. Maybe I should have done my Graduation Project on this topic, I can definitely relate to it better.. And maybe I’d be slightly more enlightened than I am now.

Some things just don’t go away. It’s like you trying to avoid your own shadow: it doesn’t work. They cling on to you, whether or not you remember their existence. And when you do, it’ll affect you just like how it always does.

I thought that it had ended. My love-hate relationship. But talking about it brought back bittersweet memories. The tears fell when the sensitive parts were recalled. The euphoria, the disappointment, the excitement, the pain, the satisfaction, the downtimes. I realised that it’d never be over. The scars can be hidden, but the tears will still flow and the ache in my heart will always exist, no matter the years passed, the dust settled upon it, or the number of times I recount the experience to others.

I learnt something new today… Whether I like it or not, the shadow is here to stay.

I’ve been having nights where I feel like I’m being drowned by thoughts. They hound me, they surround me, and they pull me down, far far away from the surface of sanity, reality and reason.

A moment that will never be. That’s what is holding me hostage. Something that I didn’t choose to happen happened virtually, and I’m suffering the guilt. It doesn’t make sense, but I never made sense to myself anyway. They say all roads lead to Rome, and my stupidity years ago points to me as the cause of this.

The clear-headed side of me is shouting “ENOUGH ALREADY!”. I’m trying. Just today, the impulsitivity came twice, but I didn’t give in. Trying my best to remove that little bit of negativity and regret, and if possible, the stimuli for relapse.

Oh and I finally remember why I don’t tell people my heart. But it’s already too late.